


while the rain still falls (to push me back to you)

by moonsandstar_s



Category: Carmilla (Web Series)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-15
Updated: 2015-08-15
Packaged: 2018-04-14 21:04:48
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 771
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4580076
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/moonsandstar_s/pseuds/moonsandstar_s
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>How many times can I break till I shatter?<br/>Over the line<br/>can't define what I'm after<br/>I always turn the car around</i>
</p><p>- o.a.r, shattered</p>
            </blockquote>





	while the rain still falls (to push me back to you)

_Good night, Carm._

The words bounce around in her head; they were soft when Laura spoke them, but now, they feel sharp and jagged and _chilling_ , an end to what she held on so tightly that when she let it go, it was torn and bleeding from where she held. 

A good-bye. 

It was not really a ‘ _good night_ ’ that Laura said. It was goodbye— goodbye to _I love you’s_ , goodbye to _please don’t let me go’s,_ goodbye to every night they were so, so close: when Carmilla curled around Laura and Laura was safe and everything wasn’t falling apart like it is now. Carmilla can feel, really, this horrible splintering in her chest, a hitch in her breath, a pulsing, prickling heat behind her eyes of tears she refuses to let fall. 

She can hear the floorboards shift and creak and settle from where she’s still sitting numbly in the antique chair, as if she could draw Laura back by wishing hard enough. She _shattered_ Laura, into jagged shards and strewn wreckage; that is the worst of all, that knowledge and not being able to do anything about it. 

This is the type of love that is a knife sliding between her bones and heart; this is the redness of blood, this is the fire that sings, liquid, in her veins. This is how she loves Laura so much it hurts, a physical, gnawing ache that won’t go away. It’s reminiscent of a supernova bursting into stardust, somewhere between her heavy heart and tangle of sinking feelings. And the only thing she can think is: _oh God,_ Laura. _What have I done?_

Every crack in Laura’s voice fractured Carmilla a bit more, and it was all she could do to hold herself together until Laura fled upstairs. She can hear shuddering sobs, and she can hear the unsteady beat of Laura’s heart, like it, too, has had a vital piece of it cruelly torn away.

It is not Laura that is the fool. It’s Carmilla, for falling so devastatingly in love with someone who is oceans apart from her, across universes and constellations and worlds— she will still love her, and that kills her. 

She rises, stretching, supple; her limbs do not crack, but her heart does. The shadows reach out lithely, as if to grab her as she wanders aimlessly through this house of memories. 

She finds herself slinking to the stairs, and then she’s upstairs in the blink of an eye, some invisible vice crushing her heart as her eyes adjust to the impervious darkness.

Laura is small, in sleep, looking terribly fragile as she twitches in the grip of nightmares. Carmilla would bet she is starring in them; even smoothed by sleep, Laura’s face is full of wretched heartbreak. 

“I still love you,” she whispers to the silence, “God, I love you… so much,” and she’s unsure if she’s saying it for the sake of letting someone, anyone know, so it won’t die, so it will remain true; unsure if she’s vainly hoping that it could worm its way into Laura’s dreams. 

Carmilla turns, and she feels the fog of misery cloud her head as she stumbles downstairs, feeling like she’s falling into some abyss that is swallowing her up in its dark maw. 

Things are going to hell, and she’s falling without respite from this agony. 

Outside, it is pouring rain, and Carmilla is struck by a thunderbolt of wild, enthralling _savagery_ , a defiance that is furious and broken into miserable pieces at once. She finds herself outside, breathing and sputtering in the lashing silver sheets of rain. Lightning lances above her head, and thunder claps furiously as she stumbles across tussocks of grass, not quite sure if she’s dreaming or awake. 

Broken, broken— broken… 

Is this what love feels like, then? Heartbreak? Hurt? Fury? Feeling so full of life that she feels if she moves, the wild emotions that have finally broken forth from their flooded dam will spill over and fill her to the brim? 

She’s soaked to the bone, and she feels naked under the storm of blackness. And still, the rain falls, uncaring as it streams in rivulets across her shoulders, crystallizing across her hair, forming silver spangles across the jeweled grass. She feels cleansed, almost. Like the storm’s fury has channeled itself through her, wild, before vaporizing. And now she’s simply… empty, but gladly so. 

Maybe things aren’t doomed, and maybe they’re both damned fools for loving each other like this, but in the end, Carmilla knows that she’s in love with Laura. 

And that is all she will ever be.


End file.
